— Robert Brault (via picsandquotes)
SO AT WORK TODAY I WALKED IN AND MY MANAGER WAS ON THE GROUND CRYING AND I WAS LIKE KIM WHAT’S WRONG AND SHE POINTS TO THE ORDER SCREEN AND IT SAYS WE NEED TO MAKE 2000 PIZZAS BY 6 PM SO I CALLED THE GUY AND HE WAS LIKE “I MEANT TO ORDER 20 PIZZAS OH MY GOD I’M SO SORRY I’M ON MOBILE” AND I’VE NEVER LAUGHED THAT HARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
— Natalie Standiford, How to Say Goodbye in Robot (via larmoyante)
do you ever just jiggle your butt
So I was at the dentists today and I tasted straight up blood in my mouth so I was like, “Let me guess, it’s because I don’t floss.”
And she smiled and said, “No, it’s because I’m new.”
I am shocked
Oh shit son.